


Not Loving You Is Harder Than You Know (I'm Trying to Let Go)

by nothinginfinite



Series: you clicked your heels and wished for me 'verse [1]
Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco, Young Veins
Genre: Anal Fingering, Angst, Blow Jobs, Hand Jobs, M/M, Oral Sex, RPF, Rimming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-03-30
Updated: 2009-03-30
Packaged: 2018-01-05 01:55:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1088227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nothinginfinite/pseuds/nothinginfinite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p><b>disclaimer:</b> If I was making money writing these stories, I wouldn't be in the debt that I am. This is in no way true or intended to hurt the aforementioned parties. Any similarities to actual events are purely coincidental. As always, please do not link this to anyone mentioned in this story or the people they know.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Not Loving You Is Harder Than You Know (I'm Trying to Let Go)

**Author's Note:**

> **disclaimer:** If I was making money writing these stories, I wouldn't be in the debt that I am. This is in no way true or intended to hurt the aforementioned parties. Any similarities to actual events are purely coincidental. As always, please do not link this to anyone mentioned in this story or the people they know.

There's no words exchanged between them, not really, but, then again, when have they ever needed to share verbal communication to get what they want across? Instead, Ryan just nods and moves to lock the door- no sense in scarring Brendon forever- and moves back over to Spencer, silently and swiftly.  
  
Spencer's already on the bed, naked from head to toe and staring up at Ryan with raw want and need in his eyes and, even though it's faint, Ryan can still see how his body is vibrating with tension, with the need for release. Ryan kneels on the bed and Spencer makes a noise in the back of his throat, legs spreading automatically. They do this often, a discreet and clandestine rendezvous, but, for Spencer, it's always like the first time.  
  
Ryan reaches down and presses a hand to Spencer's hip, feeling the quivering flesh beneath his palm. Spencer makes a strangled little noise and arches up, making Ryan's hand slide along his flesh. Something flashes a little in Spencer's eyes and Ryan raises an eyebrow, prompting Spencer to speak.  
  
"I don't. I hate seeing his hands on you." They're not a thing, they're  _not_  and the words rip from Spencer's mouth raw and shaky and they both know that lines have been drawn and crossed and there's no going back after this.  
  
"It's not the same, Spence." And Ryan's hands move along the planes of his body, saying more than his words ever could and even though Spencer believes them, he's still scared, of this, of them, of what it means for the band.  
  
"I know."  
  
There's nothing else to say to that, because Ryan can't make promises that he knows he won't keep and Spencer can't ask him to. He knows that he'll never fully have all of Ryan, not the way he wants, but damn it all if he's not incapable of giving Ryan everything he is. He's never been able to keep anything from him, not when they were kids, not now.  
  
Ryan shifts on the bed a little, his hands moving over Spencer's skin, pale fingers in stark contrast to the tanned skin that Spencer's been sporting. Spencer hisses as Ryan's fingers skim over his nipples, shivering when they harden at the touch. They don't kiss, it's never been like that, but Ryan always takes his time to touch Spencer's body, to map out the curves that he knows almost better than his own.  
  
"Ryan."  
  
He looks up at his name and swallows sharply at the look in Spencer's eyes. He knows that look, has seen it a million times, but it doesn't stop the rush of needwant _now_  that courses through him every time he sees it. Ryan pushes Spencer's knees up, kissing his way down the inside before he meets the creases where hip meets thigh. He looks up at Spencer through his lashes and a pleased smirk stretches across his hips at the hitch in Spencer's breathing.  
  
He lets his tongue flick over the head of Spencer's dick, already hard and leaking pre-cum, blowing softly on it, sending another shiver down Spencer's spine. Ryan mouths his way down the shaft, little teasing licks here and there as he moved, Spencer's little moans and gasps echoing above him.  
  
Spencer unconsciously spreads his legs farther, giving Ryan more access. Ryan ducks his head and moves down more, licking a firm stripe down Spencer's perineum before spreading his cheeks and licking across his hole. Spencer's making strangled sounds above him and Ryan reaches down to press the heel of his hand against his clothed and rigid cock, swallowing down his own moans.  
  
"Ryan."  
  
His name on Spencer's lips is breathier now and he can see where Spencer's hands are tangled in the sheets, his head moving restlessly on the pillow. Ryan looks up and catches Spencer's eyes, licks his lips and watches Spencer watch the movement of his tongue.  
  
"Spence."  
  
"Fingers. Want your fingers. And your mouth. God, your mouth." It's incoherent and Spencer's swallowing mouthfuls of air as he tries to get his words out, tripping over them, hips already moving in rhythm with Ryan's would be thrust, cock twitching. Ryan doesn't say anything, just drops his head against and breathes out against Spencer's flesh. He can smell Spencer, a mix of sweat and arousal and something that is all Spencer and he closes his eyes for a minute to savor it. It was the sound of Spencer mewls that had Ryan opening his eyes again and he inhaled sharply at the sight before him.  
  
Spencer was beautiful, there was no doubt about that, but seeing him all laid out for Ryan, cock hard and quivering, was another thing entirely. Breathing harshly through his nose, Ryan leaned down and spread Spencer's cheeks, giving him better access to his asshole. He licked along the wrinkled skin lightly, almost teasingly, hearing Spencer moan long and low above him. He could feel Spencer relaxing, releasing some of the tension that he was carrying and Ryan pressed his tongue flat against the puckered entrance before slipping the tip inside.  
  
The noises that Spencer is making go directly to Ryan's cock and he has to resist the urge to rip off his clothes and pound into Spencer's willing body. That's not what this is, and maybe never will be again, but the images that Ryan's left with leave him wanting it more than breathing. It's better this way and Ryan knows that he'll have a crick in his neck later, but it will be worth it.  
  
Ryan licks into Spencer, the taste of him on his tongue dark and forbidden. He remembers the first time they'd tried this, how Spencer had shied away and looked at him with apprehension, and how he'd come screaming Ryan's name in a voice that was raw and haunting. It had given Ryan something to think about for days and it wasn't nearly as satisfying when he'd talking Keltie into it.  
  
He slides a finger in alongside his tongue, feels how Spencer tightens and then releases, allowing the intrusion and pushing back on the offending digit. His spit allows for some lubrication, making the slide easier and it only takes a few thrusts before Ryan's working another finger in alongside the first, pressing in deep. He flicks his tongue around the two digits, mouth suctioned to Spencer's skin. He pulls back after a few minutes, after he's added a third finger, his knuckles rubbing over the ball of nerves inside of Spencer. Ryan shifts a little onto his elbows, watching Spencer writhe above him, babbled words spilling off of his tongue. He's loose and pliant around Ryan's fingers and he knows that he's probably really close.  
  
Spencer isn't really coherent and he's mostly unaware of anything other than the feel of Ryan's fingers inside of him, a slew of babbled words spilling from his mouth, mostly consisting of  _moreryanwantfuckryanryanryan_. He's atypically needy with Ryan, to the point that he'll beg in order to get what he wants and it's the only time that he truly lets go and surrenders himself, letting someone else pick up the pieces and put him back together.  
  
There's white-hot heat curling low in Spencer's belly and he pushes his hips back against Ryan's fingers, moaning as they twist inside of him. He hisses when he feels the burn of Ryan's pinky presses inside of him, but he pushes back against it nonetheless, his asshole closing around it and pulling it inside. Suddenly, Ryan's curling his fingers, pressing them up hard against Spencer's prostate and there's wet heat when he presses his mouth back to Spencer skin and then it's all over as Spencer comes with a muffled shout, one hand pressed against his mouth, teeth sinking into his knuckles hard enough to draw blood.  
  
Ryan fucks him through it, fingers twisting and skimming over his prostate until Spencer's legs twitched from overstimulation. He gently pulls his fingers free with a small sound, shifting on the bed so that he is lying next to Spencer, watching him catch is breath. Ryan doesn't think that Spencer looked more gorgeous than the way he was right now: completely wrecked, pupils wide, hair sticking to his flushed face and chest heaving.  
  
Spencer opens his eyes and they're a startling shade of blue, one that makes Ryan's breath catch. Before he can open his mouth and say anything, something along the lines of "feel better?", Spencer's moving down his body, pulling at Ryan's pants and unzipping the fly. Ryan gasps and arches his hips at the first touch of Spencer's calloused fingers around his dick and his hands tangle in Spencer's hair as he swallows him down, throat flexing around the head of his dick. It's over embarrassingly quick; just a few sucks and Ryan's coming down Spencer's throat. It's probably the hottest thing that Ryan's ever experienced.  
  
He doesn't know if it's the orgasm fuddling with his brain or the fact that Spencer looks so beautiful, his lips swollen and red, Ryan's come on the corner of his mouth or just a lapse in judgment, but he finds himself hauling Spencer up and crashing his mouth against his best friend's. They don't kiss, it's an unspoken rule, because then it changes things, makes a  _something_ out of  _nothing_. But Ryan's kissing Spencer, hot and hungry like a starving man and he can't seem to bring himself to care or stop.  
  
They only break away when air is necessary and Spencer's looking at him with wide, confused eyes, panting harshly. Ryan reaches out and rubs his thumb over Spencer's bottom lip, breath hitching when Spencer flicks his tongue over it, eyes still burning into Ryan's,  _what are you doing?_.  
  
Ryan doesn't really have an answer, only says, "It's different."  
  
"I know."  
  
It is. And he does.  
  
 _fin_.


End file.
